Welcome to Zimmerman! The heartbeat of Nairobi County.
You know T’is true what they (me) say; If you haven’t lived in Zimmerman, You probably haven’t lived!
The sun rises in Zimmerman and its yet another day for Zimmerians!
Ziima is our home to the biggest rats, the stinkiest sewage, sunken buildings, diverse (and I mean really diverse) businesses, Nigerians, Sudanese, the dopiest peddlers, affordable sex workers, Keg and hey, the most beautiful women in Nairobi.
Apparently, Ziima was named after a famous German (totally dislike em) taxidermist ( a person who prepares, stuffs and mounts animal skins) Paul Zimmerman. This guy found the area covered with swamps (evidenced by the sinking buildings), sisal and napier grass and set up his company, Zimmerman ltd. I hate these stories about White men that come to tame our wild lands!
Now, Ziima (coz we dim em every one second) is an overcrowded, bedsitter-infested hub for all who carry heavy burdens.
Zimmerians ( we are working on this name- we probably wont change it) are rad individuals who eat shingo za kuku every evening, Mutura and Supu pale kwa John wa Coop (big up man!) and boiled Avocados at Base. Chapo and Mandazi meet you at every corner. The smokie-chapo combo is our breakfast for champions! Right around end month that is. On normal days, we eat at this awesome and acclaimed destination. They have the best chafua you will get anywhere. Unveilling (drum beats)…
Our own Villa Rossa Kempinski!
Zimmerians love their fun. You will find a pub every 100 meters and in Base, they are bumper- to-bumper. This is among the booming businesses around Ziima. Keg places are in plenty. Your USIU kids will tell you to go to Tots or Memphis. Don’t! Go to this famous place where even my grandfather drunk at.
Shade-Two Kwa Brother
Just six months in Ziima and I already know our hottest peddler’s name. Whaddup man! At least now when they arrest me, I will have someone to snitch on. Oh shit! Snitches get stitches in Zimmerman. My friend Ted did this and now the guy wont get passed 5feet.
Six months in and I know there is nothing like a Plastic- paper ban. 6 months and I know most of the bars that will sell you that kivela. 6 months and I know that many USIU students are normal Zimmerians who chafua at Kempinski and drink keg at TRM Ndogo. 6 months in and I know, once you get in Ziima, there’s no leaving.
According to recent statistics, (you could say from the ongoing census):
- For every 3 plots located around Base (Watu wa baze mko vipi!), two get water at least thrice a week. And one is completely dependent on those two for water.
The caretaker will always tell you there is water. Whether you believe that or not is reliant on your need to live in Ziima. Their job is to get that 2000 Agreement fee! And trust me, the agreement fee (apparently you pay for the lawyer to draft a 10-rule one page) is a must, unless you live near Carwash.
There is no water in Ziima. None! The best you can get is a nightly-basis and for that you will trek your legs out. If you want to live near the road, just contend with the weekend supply (not guaranteed). It is possible to lack water for a full month so don’t bore your caretaker (he’ll get his due). The agents will still come for their month’s rent every 5th.
- For every caretaker, there are three tenants likely to skip town in the night
Told ya your caretaker will get his due. All Zimmerians move out in the night and almost all of them hardly pay the last two month’s rent. Tunakalianga deposit. If you are planning to move to Zimmerman:
-Never give the agent/caretaker your real name. I was Karo Muthoni for the two months I lived at Ibra’s.
-Use a disposable Telkom or Airtel no.
-Have a cordial relationship with the agent and caretaker
- For every 100 zimmerians, there is a Nigerian who claims to be a rich Oga (or a USIU student) who will take you to Lagos once you have housed and fed him for at least 6 months. By that time you will be either have a bebe or knowledge that Lagos is just a dream. Thats why he left!
When I moved out, my dad told me one thing: “Beware of the Nigerians!” And I was.
My favorite Mahamri base.
For the first six weeks, everyone I met was a Nigerian (at least in my head). There was this particular neighbor who used to bring me a kingsize every night and leave one too. He had a funny coastal accent and using my Nigerian Detector, I had nailed him. He claimed to be a USIU student and kept on showing me pictures to prove that he was. Smell a rat? I did! Turned out to be just a cat.
I also thought he was a peddler. Believe me, for every 10 peddlers you meet, two of them are Nigerian businessmen and one is a designer-shoes-wearing Sudanese. At least the Sudanese wont promise to take you to Khartoum.
Since then, I have met fluently sheng-speaking Nigerians who can pass the toughest Niger Detector. Even the police haven’t been able to do it. So who do you think you are?
- Majority of your favorite barmaids live in Zimmerman. These together with your Buyrite individuals (around 7.30pm) and students make up the most beautiful women in Nariobi.
Buy rite is your destination for affordable sex workers who do their best (I think) to look good. If you get lonely at night, just take a walk around the place and you will be going home with a sexy ‘Latina’ and even a blunt to keep it hard all night.
Even though most of our sunken buildings have no water, our ladies have learned the art of scrubbing and presentation. Somehow, these sophisticated ladies make it out of the house looking like goddesses. Especially on Friday nights when the big cars come calling. ooooh My Goodness! Paradise I tell you.
- You are 89% likely to meet two policemen if you leave your peddi’s house around 7 to 10pm.
Who cares? Zimmerians cant get arrested. We have some of the fastest men (you should see how they run when their side-chicks show em the pregnancy test) in Ziima and chuoms where the police wouldn’t dare get in.
- Out of every two plots with each a 50 people capacity, there are approximately 600 rats who are continuously populating (Zimmerians call this rat-nization)
If you are doubtful about our ratnization, you should aware that for every 600 rats, there are 200 cats (usually smaller than the rats) who are not going to dare eat those rats.
Must Have in Ziima:
- A 100 litres tank and lotsa jerricans
- A master padlock- for our Githurai friends. Zimmerians are hardworking individuals
- A floater- for when your building begins to sink
- A go-bag and vehicle- for when you need to skip town
- Dawa ya panya, mende na kunguni- Even if they do not work
- A Nigerian Detector