Tonight I feel all clean and glorious!
Tonight is unlike other nights. Tonight, I become one with the moon. And like the wolf, I feel all bones igniting. The night ignites my soul. Tonight I built castles not like other nights when I break them down. Tonight I feel that seventy percent of water inside me flowing as one with the one in mother earth. The waves come in and flow away. They bring messages from my ancestors sitting around a fire and talking about their ancestors.
Tonight I feel the entire Wambui clan in my veins. Our second born, they say, was the flower of the garden. Our blood unites all the offspring that came after her. Our mother, she was always there, we came in generations, like leaves on a tree. The leaves at first, were young and innocent; they had not attained their color. Many moons passed, evenings turned into mornings, they had a new delight every time yet seemed to be constant in every way. As the sun blessed his children, the mother nourished them. They became green, and there was another spirit, so unlike others before. It was the spirit of youth. She matured in a night, blossomed in the night, in the middle of the night, she arose and became one with those before her. She felt their laughter, their pain, their ecstasies. Tonight, she arises in me.
Tonight I trace all the stretch marks on my thighs, a constant reminder of the metamorphosis. I run my hands along the length of my body and see all the change that has occurred over the years. Its all different yet always the same, familiar, mine. I cup my breasts in my hands; it’s a blessing. I run my fingers along my belly. There, there is change. Big change. It never felt like this two years ago, nor the years before. It all has changed, where it budged, now there is a valley. The hair on my pubis is unlike that on my head or underneath my arms, here lie hairs untouched by a razor for some time now. It excites me. Something about hair tickle my spine, and my increases my dopamine. When it’s on legs, in shorts, there is something sex about it. It promises some chizzy feeling. Yikes. I make little knots with my fingers; it’s like when as young school girls untouched by the filth of the world, we plaited grass.
Ah! The goddess. There she stands majestically… Tonight I feel like cleaning up slowly and in the background, music that makes me one with the water. Tonight, I will not scrub, I will love into my skin care, gentleness, and tenderness. She will be loved, this body of mine. Tonight I make a meal for me, the best beef and spice I could afford. Tonight I treat my taste buds with a glass of sweet white wine made in the highlands of South Africa. Tonight I might paint nails and remove the cuticles in my toenails. Tonight I feel like cooking while naked and dipping sauce on my nipple then licking it while making the number eight with my tongue. I feel like teasing my belly with the fire that burns. There is danger, warmth, excitement, ah! My body quakes yet not in shock; there is even an unconscious smirk on my face. I want it again.
I turn to the mirror to let it all manifest in front of me. Funny how many trees have disappeared since I started looking at my own reflection. As a young girl, before I realized I was a girl, I looked and laughed back at myself. It was funny, I thought when I saw my reflection in the river before I dived in, and when I did, it was as if I dived into my own self. Why was she looking back at me, I wondered. And I followed her into the depths of the river, and she let me be free. I looked again; she had changed, yet, she was still me. At teenage, I looked and wondered if it was the same, was it changing too much, too fast?
Years later, I confirmed it was I. Now I look and smile and wonder what will have changed in the next years. When I think of it, I feel a familiar stir in my bowels, a tingling sensation that echoes into my spine. Haha! It’s beautiful how it has all come out, and it seems to be getting better. Tonight, I adore you. The scars, they are part of it all, I look at my shoulder at the one I got as an adolescent. I hated it, yet now it reminds me of all the time that has passed; I would not want to live without it. I look at the line along my belly, and there is wonder there.
My thighs, they tell a story. A long story, yet short in some scenes. They tell a story of curiosity, of growth, change, laughter, tears, blood, sweat, unity, oneness, the fruit, life- the fruit of life. I remember the first time they saw blood and the second time and the first time, and the second time- a cycle they came to embrace. They are dark, burnt by the blessing of the sun, they stand majestically like the queen, tender from the love of the mother, and sharing in the goddess of the earth. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Making love, giving life, knowledge of God. Tonight I puff a few and right before I sail to the land of the living, I will touch the goddess, pay some homage to her. She is my queen, her pleasure is my purpose. In rapid movements, my hips will swing…