Bringing a movie home is like taking out your new car for a test-drive.
So my mother and siblings told me to bring them a movie this time round. Back when we were younger, we watched all kinds of movies together. I remember how we loved The Mummy, The Mask of Zorro, The Master of Disguise. If you’ve watched any of these movies, you know they are, hands down, the best movies of that era! Back when we used to buy that collection of Vandame, Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, or Antonio Bandera’s movies. Oh Antonio! My only regret in being 3/4 your age!
I decided not to take home any of the movies I have on my computer for obvious reasons. One time, my mother stumbled on Blue is the Warmest Color and she hasn’t looked at me the same way since. I didn’t want a replay so I called my movie guy Kevo and he said he’d come through for his fellow Zimmerian.
I picked up the movie on my way home. He promised it was good and clean- proper for a General audience.
Pork night started great. I managed to finish cooking without burning it, myself or the entire house.
And so we sat down, food in hands, ready for this movie that was going to increase les liens de la famille.
The movie began nicely. Early morning, a family wakes up to the victory of the sun. Mother in the kitchen making breakfast. Young son arrives to have his cereal. Father comes downstairs ready for work and kisses his wife goodbye. Wont be taking breakfast today darling. Wife shows disappointment. Your normal movie!
I begin to look at every one’s faces just to make sure my mom hasn’t already slept and my sister isn’t busy checking out all the application letters in her inbox. Cool, everyone is locked! And the test drive continues.
Husband in the office making a call. “Stewart, I will make sure you have it on your table by 5.00…” Wife enters in a little red dress. Cleavage showing, pantyhose peering from thighs. Okay.
“You didn’t take your breakfast.” She says in a stern and calm voice while laying the package on the table. She lingers there where her bosom slightly suffocates her husband’s face.
“Am sorry babe I was….”
“Shut up… That’s why I brought it…” She has this dominatrix aura all around her. She seats and leans back on her seat and watches him closely as he eats. Erotically.
New car begins to experience some trouble. Driver checks the gauge.
Wife begins to lift her dress and show her thighs.
Oh no. Car tires begin to screech.
She begins to unzip her front zipper. Husband lifts face confused and then with a realization, smiles. That sly, corky smile.
The car begins to sway sideways. The driver has no control. The breaks are no longer working.
Wife removes her dress and drops it on the floor. Husband stands up, has an evident boner. Wife looks at it. Husband looks at it too. They both smile.
Wife tears her husbands clothes off.
We need to change this movie. I look at everyone through the corners of my eyes. My brother is laughing his ass out- inside his hoodie. My sister is shit-faced. My mother is clutching to her Bible. There is dead silence.
I begin to forward it. Oh-oh. There they are, naked.
Wow! Now the wife is on her husband who is lying on the table. And believe me, she ain’t quiet.
Oh God! Forward! Forward.
Shit. The movie just hang.
Now we have an everlasting footage of the husband and wife in each other. Black Jesus Save me!
I look at everyone. I say we panic!
Switching it off is the only solution now.
It’s off but the picture wont move!
WhatsApp Notification: Mom Left
How To Watch A Movie With Your Folks
Browse through the entire movie alone. Actually just watch it
Never bring the movie home!
So, I have a question. A hypothetical one. Just hypothetical. Would rather watch a porn with your parents or watch a porn of your parents alone? Just think about it. Am not the anti-Christ I Promise.
I’ve Been Through This Shit Too. I Bought A Movie, My Dad Played It While I Wasnt In The House, I Come Back And Find Him Watching. We Sit Back And Start Enjoying The Movie And Its All Going Great Until..Boom!! Sex Scene Outta Nowhere. My Dad Had The Remote. He Froze And Didnt Know What To Do. We Sat There Kila Mtu Akiwa All Awkward And Sh**. After The Scene, Kujipa Shugli Mingi Mingi, Kuingia Kitchen Na Hakuna Kitu Naendea, Dad Ameeka Cartoon, Most Uncomfortable Experience Ever. Nowdays I Always Ask Whether The Movie Is Family Friendly Before I Buy It.