Shit is real!
I couldn’t stand it anymore! Sweat was profusely dripping from my forehead, and I couldn’t breathe properly anymore. One breath and I would ruin everything. I had contorted my body in every way possible and cringed parts I never thought could be cringed. Ha! I let out a small breath. I opened the window slightly for some air to cool me down. Shit is real!
We were at Sachangwan then, right where the names of the people who had died at that gruesome incident were. There are bumps, you know. Every bump felt like a punishment. I could go anytime now. I lifted my ass with every bump so as to not drop a douche. Shit is real!
“Hoiii!!! Dereva Simamisha tafadhali!” I wailed. This man literally had my life in his hands, and he was going to clap. If he didn’t stop soon, the rest of the passengers would need to find another way to reach Nairobi. Everyone looked back at me. Some looked as if they were sympathizing while the others gave me that disgusted look, yea… kila dogi iko na siku yake. I couldn’t even breathe properly. If I let in air with my mouth, it would have to escape through another air hole. A not-so-friendly air hole. We will have to have this conversation about that critical air hole someday.
The driver took his sweet time evading potential places that I could go at. He finally came to a stop at a slightly deserted place with some bushes that peered out on the road. He also took his sweet time getting out of the car seat and opening the door. Shit is real! I struggle to get out from the last seat, ambling with my legs close together. Huuuu. I tried to breathe slowly. Everyone evaded me like the black plague as I walked past the highway while those close to it did their best to squeeze away from this curse on God’s peaceful earth. As I neared the door, one pungent fart let free. I didn’t even look back to see them open the windows or fake that fart-attack.
I regretted the jump the moment my feet hit the ground. If I had been on a number two, I was clearly on number one now. The next thing was the anus action. It was currently dancing at the end of the rectum and even breathing would… Shit is real! Should I walk or just go right here? I kept my legs steadily together, but I was still unsteady. My thighs were vibrating like a generator. Please hold it. I was literally a prisoner of my own body. It didn’t listen to me.
“Kumbe ata hakuwa ameshikana vile?” The lady in a maroon kitenge with yellow flowers and a weave she had obviously had on for the fourth time forked. “Wewe unaona vile anatembea, haikosi amejiendea ata!” Her neighbor, who had come with a hen to the car but could not be allowed to get into the car with it forked back. Served you right!
I wished the earth would open up and swallow me. The earth did not open up, but something else was slowly opening up. It reminded me of that hole in the ocean that periodically opens up. Maybe the earth feels that way. This was a force like none other. My mother had never taught me about this, and now, the earth was teaching me. Mother nature was going to teach. Only she could have this much control over me.
I regretted it all now. I regretted the kebab Fiona had made me eat that morning. I regretted the first and the second one. I regretted being born, being alive, getting into that car, travelling… Existing.
No sooner had I (hihihi, nafeel ka bazenga kutumia ii) dropped my pants than the waterfall came pouring down. The river was in its youthful stage where it was wild and free. It came hungrily, cutting through the rocks and breaking banks, rushing down the slope and proving itself majestic. I bowed my head and gave reverence to mother nature. There was a new wake of peace that came over me. The chains that had bound me broke, setting me free. This is what freedom meant. I was one with mother nature.
Hold up! Did I carry tissue paper? Oh noooo!
Shit is real!
The Fuck! What to do? What to do? I can’t go the Muslim way coz I hadn’t thought that far. Maybe I can just sit on the grass and just pull up. But what if a snake… Think fast, Wanja! I turn to look at the car and see the driver waving off a fly and then rest his chin of his fist as he shakes his head. One of the passengers who had been sitting on the single seat was already outside fanning himself with the newspaper he had been reading. He was also starting a conversation with the driver. Probably about the girl shitting in the bush.
Leaves! Leaves! Yes, Leaves!
Just like God had provided for Haggai in the desert, Just like he had provided for Elijah and Moses, He had done it for me. I frog jumped to the leaves. Hallelujah! I was taken back to them days when our ancestors knew no toilet paper. But they were people still, no? I used about six leaves. They were tiny ones. My anus craved for dryness but, it’s okay.
“Msichana, ingia kwa gari umetuchelewesha!” The driver forked as he pushed me into the car just when I had gathered the courage to go back to the car.
“But my han…” I hadn’t even completed my sentence when I found myself staring into the faces of everyone in the car. There was a moment of silence. It was like being a celebrity. A celebrity of shit. But a celebrity nonetheless. I felt like saying hi to everyone — Ubaya mimi ndo nlikuwa nafanya standing ovation. I started to walk back to my seat, analyzing everyone. The two women who I couldn’t give a shit about were already talking about how Nafula had been in a similar situation last time they had traveled. Fuck Nafula! There was a young mother with a young child who she struggled to keep away from the honeysucker.
Right next to her was a young, handsome, feminine-looking man- My type. He looked 22 or something -Just the right amount of fucked-up-ness. He looked straight into my face with a smile. Oooh, sugar! He extended his hand to me as he said, “Shit is real!”