Mopping The Guilt

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Its dark, he is alone
Just a nerve would resolve
This uncertainty

Arranging his desktop
Moves the clutter
To the recycle bin
Arranges the files
Info folders
So it looks neat

Throws all those
First drafts into the bin
Folds them into balls
Undoes it
Feeds them into shredder
Deducted
Burns it
Energy changed
Blows the chaff
Into the flowing river
Sweeping into the vast ocean

Scrubs the bathroom floor
Collects all the hair and dirt
Into the deep abyss
Scrubs the walls
Makes it all clean
Glistens the mirror
The vision is clear
“Can you see me?”

Cleans his stinky body
Removes all unwanted hair
Scrubs so it hurts
Lets the water cleanse
Dips fingers into vinegar
Removes all evidence
Cuts the nails
Blood drips from these
Teeth as white as snow
Flossed and brushed
He wishes there was detergent
To clean through the gut

It’s a fresh start
Yet when he tries to write
He is wordless
Like a lonely ghost
Speechless as he tries to explain
To her
The reasons that seemed fit
At a moment
Of
Deep hurt
Confusion and purposelessness

“Would that be just another excuse
Would it lessen the hurt
The guilt and shame
Would it remind you
Who I am
And explain this fucked up shit?”
Would she see him different?
Would she avert her eyes
Would she be shocked?
Ashamed
Run away??

“Would you be scared?”
He craves, her hand
So he knows he’s not alone
“Squeeze my fingers
Accept me
Look at me
Like you did
That Night
Do you remember?”
He prays earnestly

He wishes she closes her eyes not
In her hands
His fragile heart
Hopes for acceptance
Would she trust he wouldn’t go back there?
“Do I trust myself not to go back?”

He knelt down
This morning
Confessed
The whips of worship
Bent his head lower
He beat his chest
Bit his cheeks
Punished himself for her
He continues to do it
Day in day out
His body yells
For companionship
A midnight murmur
A whisper of content

He whips his flesh fresh
The wounds stick out
Yesterday’s canes were bigger
That night he made it rain
With his eyes
Tonight he does with his blood

#Gemini Spice

 

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