Life Before The Internet

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Google was mumble jumble and Amazon was the largest river in the world… Lemme google that!

Settling a debate meant fighting to death, now, ask Dr. Google! Information for confirmation!

The only way you listened to music was through a cassette or your VCD, now you can go to Boom play and download Kenyan Music by Romi Swahili!

Remember that Vandame, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Steven Segal  collection that scratched halfway through your movie? You actually had to wait for your parents to go to Tao to bring the movie or for your cool friend to come through.

Netflix and Chill means that Money Heist Season Three came out one time and felt like a long movie and the shortest season!

Before the internet, people made a living from selling and clocks. Right! That was also before the mobile phone or the computer.

Socializing meant getting out of the house and approaching her while wishing the world to swallow you whole. Welcome the new confidence that social media and the invisibility screens give. Now I can say “go fuck yourself!” knowing that jerk wont cross over the screen. Whatchu gon’ do? Am invisible!

Your crush waited for your mama to leave so they could sneak a peck behind your house, now we have tinder and my ‘itina’ can get laid. Its like ordering a person. Just like I can order a bucket of legs and breasts from KFC.

There was a classmate who owned an encyclopedia, that you only used during lunch break. Want to know what an encyclopedia is, google it!

Notices were posted on the notice board, now you just put it on your wall. Like I wrote a new article on my wall yesterday. No one saw it. And now I have to switch to drastic measures like accidentally posting my nipple.

Snake Xenzia on Nokia 3310 was da bomb! Da bomb! Making a long that didn’t eat its tail, bazenga!

That mail on Friday nights was the best way to pass your evening preps, says my deskie Pink, I never got a letter.

You were expected to actually familiarize yourself with the library catalogue system for your assignment. Now you can copy work from Routledge, put it on paraphrasing tool, check it on Turnitin for plagiarism, and hand it to your lecturer knowing he wont realize shit. Ooopps! I see it too.

Visitors were given photo Albums as entertainment. Now, after you’ve given them food, they can get busy clicking and typing and show you a meme once in a while.

Before the internet, photos were precious material which had been prepared for (that hasn’t changed) and were taken by a man that hang a camera on his neck around Uhuru park . They were rare photos taken either as a child, baptism, while joining form one, graduation, wedding day and repeat cycle for your child.

After the internet, take a selfie, apply all filters and post for likes. I wish I had a penny for every like a photo gets.

We used to get a Newspaper drop every day to know, in my mother’s words, “Kama Kenya imechomeka!” What do you need them for if Twitter can create fake news, give you opinions, reactions, and roasts?

If you didn’t know a place, only the conductor or the watchmen could help you. See the miracles of Google Maps. Gangster points added! And not those ones for patriarchy.  

Before, you had to manually mark out your period on the family calendar, now with period trackers I know just when the jewel of the red nile approaches. Darling, its two days to your period. Did you forget to input your period? One week pregnant! I love my calendar.

Stalking your crush meant following them step by step. Arrestable by law but wtf. Now, I have all her social media accounts. The real ones. Not the famstagrams, the finstas! Thanks for the new terms Jackie!

Life before the internet meant you could fuck up in private. Facebook constantly reminds me of my high school posts, “Xaxa!”

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