My #Jichoche story has to be phoenixing. The past 1 year 5 months has seen me transition from what I though is having it all, and dont get me wrong, having it all here doesn’t mean money and material things, it means having a family, a home, stable friendships et al, to losing it all. Became homeless for two weeks, experienced harrassments at uhuru park, been broke, still am, battled severe depression, PTSD, ADHD and severe social anxiety, still figuring out how to cope with myself. I have known what it means to chose who is family.
I have lived through the pains repeated losses. I have gone hungry many days . Because it got tiresome to ask for help all the time. I have said no sometimes to things , events, trips, that I really wanted to be part of but have not been able to afford.
I have known the true definition of loneliness and being alone. I have cried. I have really cried.
I have spent more time awake than asleep. I have spent more time numb, it felt like a perfect escape. To just numb myself
In all this, like a Phoenix I have had to rise over and over and over again. I have had to chose myself over and over. And even though there are many times I wanted death and tried to actively pursue it, the epitome of my Phoenix story is that I wanna live, for myself. And I am actively pursuing that.
Over time I hope I gather more strength to keep my hope alive. With all the rainbows and colours.
Queerly so and proudly.