Thursday 19th March, 2020. ©️Njahîra
In the wake of the virus
Ten days before I turn 30,
I got your message, checking in
Last exchange was less than a year after I got my diagnosis
My respiratory system was officially shit
Frequent depressive episodes followed months after the April news,
I’d always thought I had more time,
I was ‘not dead yet’
Thought I’d cheated the curve
To possibly get to 30 without respiratory issues
Soon I was 28 and using nighttime breathing support
No one seemed to get how scary it was
Too many moments waking up with sharp headaches
Too much carbon dioxide in the system,
Lie on the side so as not to choke
You didn’t show up for a big day that happened amidst a depressive episode either
Over a year later you remember me
The virus that attacks respiratory systems is here with us
It’s made you think of me
It’s made you reach out
Might pass as a sign of love,
Doesn’t feel like love
Feels like premeditated goodbye
Wanting to ‘have closure’ you’d said
I got closure alright
Found peace in silence, bliss in nature
Profound love in this body that carries me daily
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
The night horrors of choking mostly past
Silencing thoughts to keep them gone,
Because I’ve found a love that’s beautiful
Exists without any labels
Exists always
Silently, in the comfort of this body
