A Case For The Public Wanker

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Ladies and gentlemen, a few days ago, on a cool, tranquil evening, as I strolled down the streets of Twitter, feeling all intelligent and powerful as I retweeted, liked and commented on whatever I thought was mentally palatable to me, I stumbled upon something that caused me to squirm.

It was a video of a man masturbating in public.

It was one of those videos that pop up and begin with the live action. Before you can see,you have already seen it and though you wish to unsee, you realize that you can only rely on time to wipe away the tiny details. I felt offended, like the man had literally punched me in the face. Why would one do that? Really?
A few days later, another one popped up, this time round, a man who at the sight of alady, unleashed his thing, stared at her and went ahead to nyonga the monkey. I thought I had learned from the first one but the second was equally nerve numbing.“Suddenly, why am I meeting such ungodly videos? Who does that in public?Who records it?” I wondered. Like in the second video, who is this person that sat ready
with a camera, waiting for this man to begin and then record?

Was it a plan, a coincidence or something normal for them? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Little did I know that it was the least that I had seen. Soon enough, I was going to have a live, uninhibited encounter with a public wanker.

The truth is, I have never felt so disgusted in life. As a man, I thought that such men, who do such despicable acts in public are a shame to the society. An abuse to manhood and a curse that should be expunged by the strongest words possible. It was disrespect, not only to those watching you but also to yourself, for exposing your manhood- your most sacred gift to strangers! Surely, there is a reason why we cover our private parts
right? And there is a reason why any place that involves the exposure of a private part is called a private place! Surely, any person, no matter how dumb you are should knowthis! I was so angry! And very infuriated for that matter.

Anyway, away from the rant….

Psychologists have categorized the need to masturbate in public as an exhibism mental disorder. This is a case that is marked by the urge, fantasy or act of exposing one’s genitals to non-consenting people, especially strangers. In other words, a person with this condition gets a crazy turn-on when he is around strangers and the only way to ease himself out, is to unleash the private rod in public and go ahead to pleasure himself.

That sounds odd, right? I think it is weird, very weird!

They also say that a majority of public wankers are men with a terrible form of toxic masculinity. That most of them feel powerful and in control when they do it in public and that’s why they do it. If a woman is involved, like in the second case, then the aim is to terrorize her and make her feel powerless and useless- just another object of pleasure. That sounds queer.

Away from the science, let’s go back to the story.

So, a few days later, I walked into a cybercafé and like I always do, I scanned the environment. Saw the door, the window and spotted the best place to sit. On the far-left corner, at a computer number 45, on the very extreme end, sat a boy whose head had shot up immediately I had come in. At that moment, I took no notice of it because After all, it is normal for people to look when a new person walks in.

There were other people in the cyber, roughly around ten, everyone committed to their own task and they barely noticed me. So, I saw an empty computer on the extreme right of the cyber, another corner and smiled. It was a good place to sit for the next hour or so. The boy on number 45 kept on staring at me as I walked till, I sat down. I now found that odd and wondered why he was looking at me like I was about to snatch his
girlfriend. I sat down, got comfortable and I thought it was time to repay the favor. I stared back. Then I froze.

The boy, maybe around 18 years had his eyes turned on the computer now. But that was not the problem. His fly was open, his hands had grabbed whatever it was that the fly kept out of sight and he was engrossed in a serious moment of masturbation. I had seen it in video and now, there was I, in flesh and blood, coming face to face with a public wanker. A boy who did not even bat an eye lid when he noticed that I had caught him in
the act. He looked back at me like I did not exist and went on, doing whatever he was doing with a furious frenzy of a possessed man.

I thought of confronting him and ignominiously calling him out but though he was a boy, he had the frame of an adult. A well-built body- not a stranger to the gym I suppose, bulging muscles, a wide chest and a glint in his eyes. A man who was not a stranger to violence either. What if I confronted him and he turned violent? Could I really fight him off? I guess not. So, I did the only thing weak people do when confronted with ugly, seemingly impossible situations. I reported him.

The lady attendant’s face transformed from lively interest to acrid helplessness as I told her whatever I had just seen. I had expected her to be angry or sad or even courageous enough to allow us to confront the boy in a man’s body but she just stared at me, helpless, weak. I had a feeling that it was not the first time she was receiving such a report. I wanted to hear her thoughts, but she had none to offer, she just stared at me, with that look that says, “what do you want me to do?”

Seconds later, she found her eloquence and said;

“He is one of our most loyal customers you know.”
“So, should we allow people to do as they please, just because they are
customers?”

“You know,” she spoke with the experience of a monk, “Sometimes when we are cleaning this place, we find a lot of sticky substances on the wall. At some point we used to wonder what happens but then we found out. But they are our customers. I guess it is easier to just mind your business than to seek to correct everything you see wrong.”
I was shocked. Disgusted. Angry. Bored. Furious. Whatever else you can think of. I walked out, my mind in a daze, my heart beating hard and at that moment, there was only one question in my heart: what motivates a man to masturbate in public?

The psychologists also say that shy men who find sexual satisfaction in shocking people are also prone to such lewd acts in public. I hope that the ‘shy’ in this context means the weakening of muscles and trembling of knees when you see a cute girl coming your way. Otherwise, the act in itself is a bold, shameless endeavor and the word shy is the least  qualified for it.
In other news, masturbation has the characteristic of being an instant tension reliever. I really cannot define what we mean by tension here, but I assume its sexual tension being spoken of. But is there a situation in life where one can develop this sudden sexual tension that the only way out is to masturbate in public? How many men in the world experience such a level of unbridled sexual desire? Is that really a worthy defense? I
don’t think so.
One could also be tempted to say that they do it because they are helpless. They are addicted to masturbation and there is nothing else they can do about it. You know the way an addict is helpless under the assault of his addiction until he satisfies its need. Well, that could be it, but here is a problem. Mastication is neither recognized as an additive or as a mental health condition. Which means, technically, one cannot be
addicted to masturbation.

But I know many will argue against this because, technically again, we have either seen or heard tales of people who are addicted to masturbation.
Anyway, that’s a topic for another day. Or maybe, as a Christian, I can boldly pronounce that such folks are under demonic possession. They are caught up in a terrible spell and all they need is a good exorcist.

Well, on a personal level, I think that might also be a cause, but I digress because this, is a logical sphere, not a faith based one, so what are we left with?

I have seen that there are only two logical recommendations as a way to help out such folks: They should either see a psychiatrist or join a support group that should help them overcome that habit. Well, that too has a lengthy debate, but so far, they are the only antidote to this off-putting character.
All in all, no man should masturbate in public, not for any reason. You better hug a transformer, hunt a bear, drink acid…. whatever else you can do but as a man, thou shalt not masturbate in public! That too, is a cardinal rule!

Yours Truly,
Soh.

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